yc’s reflection

I hate public speaking. Therefore, naturally, preaching is not something I like to do “for fun”. Standing in front of the public is daunting to me because I feel that people are scrutinising every single part of me. (what I say, what I am doing, what I look..). I am on a journey of rediscovering that I do not need to care. I just need to do what I am suppose to do.

Sometimes when I am preparing for a preach, I am troubled with the fact that perhaps (maybe perhaps) people would not want to listen to me because I am not good enough. Random thoughts would run through my head and I realised that I find myself questioning.

Am I animated enough?
Am I inspiring enough?
Did they understand what I was trying to say?
Did I tell them what God wanted them to hear?
Am I just going on and on?

Sometimes I am not sure if what I say cut it. I think my inexperience in preaching to people shows; when I start questioning myself. Most of the time I try to ignore the questions and go where the spirit wants me to, but when the night ends, I often battle with those questions again.

I want to be God’s vessel when I preach but I don’t know if I know enough. I find that because I have not been a Christian for long, I probably don’t know a lot. I can’t help but compare myself to other youth/young adult pastors. What do I have that would allow me to know as much as them when most of them have been Christians for most of their life and some of them have been to bible college? Even though I try to learn as much as I can, getting as many resources that I can to fit into my time, I don’t know if it is enough. What is enough? I don’t know what is enough for me to know…perhaps the reason for that is because there isn’t ever enough in this area…? I think I will be able to accept that if I am told that is the case. I will summit to that.

I am probably not the most confident person that a lot of people know. I am not used to flattery or praises because that is almost foreign to me when I was growing up. I do not respond well to praises because I never know if people actually meant it or they are being sarcastic. In Malaysia, sarcasm is almost non existance because we normally associate sarcasm to being rude. Therefore, to come to here to adjust to the fact that sarcasm was basically part of life is hard.

I don’t know how to be confident. I don’t understand how what I do has been good enough to deserve a pat on the back. I always think that I am standing in for someone – that it is not really me that people want; a second fiddle.

I am learning how to be confident in God – which in turn allow me to be confident in Him. I know that God only uses what I have, not what I do not have; so I use it. This is a huge journey for me, but I know it will get there.

Because I am not very confident, sometimes I struggle with knowing that I have the authority and capacity to reach people. I feel that I am more confident that I can touch young and newer Christians. Older Christians are sometimes a chore. I feel that they have a perception that I am not good enough to talk to them. Or I don’t know enough.

The main reason that I have struggle with it is because J told me that he feels that some of the people he knows are wasting time in id because it’s not good enough for them. To be honest, I was not too impress with it. I believe that we are not to rely on our own wisdom but God’s wisdom. I know that a lot of my leaders are probably young at their Christian faith, but I know that we are also working hard in learning more, gaining more wisdom and relying on God more.

I know I do not have to please everyone.
I know I cannot reach everyone
I just need to know what I am doing is enough

I often struggle with time. I find that sometimes I am running against time because of going from one job to another and the demands of trying to be the best PA and YAP. I struggle to find a good balance to be good at both and because of that, I feel that I have dissapoint people around me. I want to be good at what I do – but I cannot be good at what I do if I am not given the oppurtunity to be good at it!

Being a PA is a huge challenge to my time. Even though I try to make things as easy as it could be and as smooth as it should be, I find that things are change at a drop of a hat without my knowledge. I do not like looking or feeling like an idiot…but sometimes (not always, but sometimes) I feel that I am an idiot because I don’t know what my boss is doing or wanting to do! I know this is my problem because I can choose to think otherwise and I can choose to be more proactive, but my time limits my capacity to function at 100%.

Sometimes I also feel frusrated when I have to be doing other stuff such as sitting at the reception..while I don’t mind doing it, but it has prove to be my biggest time wasting task. I am not able to do my work while I am at the reception because of the needs of others yelling from every corner of the rooms! Generally, I hate wasting time because I lack time….and when I waste time, I feel that I haven’t been productive.

I hope I have been putting in enough time as a YAP. I don’t know if I have because I don’t know if what I am doing is enough. Sometimes I get annoyed because I don’t have enough time with the young adults. I know that one of the biggest influnce on to someone is by spending time with them… but how do I know if I have done enough?

I need to know if what I am doing at the moment for this season is enough. I will summit to that. I need to know that I am not making things worst. I need to know that I am somehow still making a difference..