Saturday reflection
One of the things that I find that limits me in my capacity to do what I do is my lack of knowledge. I believe that knowledge plays a big role in what I am doing and without the knowledge, I always feel like I have not done enough. I try to read more and study more but because I do not have a “test”, it’s almost as if I don’t know if what I know is good enough.
I think I feel that my knowledge is one of the “thing” people judge me with. I feel that because I have not been a Christian for that long, people could use that as an excuse to undermine me. Therefore, sometimes I feel that I have to becareful or even “prove myself” to these people – even though I know I do not have to. I know I do not have to prove myself to anyone but God – and this brings up the whole “accepted” thing.
I think my issue is not about being accepted, but more about being rejected. I fear being rejected because of past experiece. I associate rejection with all these bad memories…and therefore I push myself to try harder to ensure that people accept me.. but this brings the question of whether people are accepting me for me or accepting me for the person I push myself to be? Or perhaps I am a person who push herself harder.
I feel that my association with acception and rejection stem from my parent’s (especially my dad’s) acception and rejection towards me.
In Godspace: I know that God does not require me to be someone else that I am not. I know He is not asking me to do something that is not me. I know that God, as a loving Father accept me as I am – which is probably what my parents does too. Perhaps it is in my assumption that I have created the rejection from my parents.
God only uses what we have in our hands, and not what we don’t have.
Through experience, I also know that sometimes God uses me when I allow Him to do so – and I feel that is the bigger calling in my life. I feel that it is not about how much I know, how much I can do but how much I allow Him to do through me and then He will show me. He has shown me so much – sometimes even more than I thought a person could know. Sometimes I realised that the words I speak are not even my own – it was me being an empty shell for Him. And that is when I realise that I have let go of what I am holding on to all these time – the power to control people’s acceptance.
Letting go becomes more than just letting go of what I know of. I let go of everything. It is when I let go that I realised that I am trusting – and gaining trust.
