yc’s reflection

I’m all cried out, al wounded, left by the side with no where to go… I don’t know what is there to do anymore. I don’t know what is there to cried for anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. I’m tired. and I”m all cried out.

I have a wall. It is built so high that I don’t quite know where it is going or when it is going to stop. Everytime someone betrays me or hurts me, I build it higher. I remember why I have a bubble now. I have a bubble so that I can prevent people from hurting me.

I want it all to stop. I want people to stop hurting me. I want to stop loving, stop caring, stop feeling.

i feel like i am giving up. giving up everything that I have put my heart to…. i don’t want to do it anymore.. i don’t feel like i can do it anymore. the truth is, i am giving up. i don’t want to play the game anymore. I want it to be normal. I want it to be easy. I want to stop feeling like that. I want to stop feeling alone. I want to stop having to cry at night. I want to stop having to pretend that everything will be ok. I want to stop thinking or knowing that things are ok when I don’t know. I don’t know if it will work. I don’t know if anyone will care. I don’t care if people are annoyed with me. Why is it that I always have to try so hard? Why do I have to be the grown up? Why do I have to cope? Why do I have to do all these?

i want to leave.

i’m sorry that i never got to tell you what a legend you are. I wish I got to encourage you as how you encouraged me. How you belived in me even when you were in pain. I don’t know how you do it. If God was trying to teach me how to be brave and strong, all I needed to do was to look to you. I wish I would tell you how much I appreciated your friendship. I wish I could tell you that you’ve made such an impact in my life. You taught me how to be patient. We prayed for the kids in Elevation - to think about it, you stood for all the youth’s salvation and relationship with God in spite of what you were going through. You made yourself strong because you had such a strong faith in God. How did you do that? How is that even possible?

Even today you continue to make such a difference in people’s life. People from different parts of the world continue to weep as they lose a friend who had inspired them in their walk with God. You have left a stamp in each one of us. Nobody will ever forget you. We hang on to meet you again. We hang on to walk in the journey that you never got to walk in. But most of all, we hang on because of your love, your love for people and God.

I will never forget our times together. I know you are with God now. I know that you have completed your journey here on earth. How does that feel? How does it feel to be with God? Was it all worth it? I know you will say that it was all worth it. That everything you did was worth it. And you know what, I think it was. THe people that you touched will never be the same again. I will never be the same again.

Somehow I know that you are looking down at us and wrapping your arms around us because even though it hurts that you are gone, there is a peave about it that you are OK. You are home now.

When I was in KL, I started questioning. Perhaps it was my hype from being away the week before and having such a tangible experience with God while praying for people… and when I was in KL, all of that dissapeared. Somehow, God seemed to have dissapeared too. I waited for Him everyday but somehow either I never waited enough or perhaps distraction just too big.

At one point I ask myself if all these has been a dream.

I don’t know.

I am scared because my heart has never felt like this before.

I want to go home.

What are you meant to do when you can’t feel it? Or when things just doesn’t feel right? I used to think if it is scary, I can run away. But this time I couldn’t.

I stood in front of everyone.. and I was trying to figure out what others were thinking. I wonder if they could see right through me and knew what I was thinking. I wanted to run. I was trying so hard to get things right but it became so wrong - everything was wrong. I couldn’t figure out how to keep speaking.. I just did. I wasn’t sure what I said..

I don’t know.